HEART-ACHES

Hello there dear gist partner. 

How are you doing today? Here’s hoping that you’re doing fine and that the Lord continues to be with you and strengthen you. 

Welcome to today’s gist, it’s a bit heavy so you might want to lock in first before we move.

Today has been a hard day. 

It’s one week since I was called to the Nigerian Bar, no that’s not why today’s been hard, I just say make I inform una. 

I woke up today feeling out-of-sorts. Was going through the motions of the day and hoping to ‘get my funk in’ when something happened: I was sitting in my family’s living room and then I dozed off. From my slight sleep, I heard what I thought was my father coughing, in fact the sound wasn’t quite a cough but the best way I can describe it is to call it a cough, it was a sound so familiar because it was a sound my father used to make and from the haze of my sleepiness, I jerked up, about to run to go and check on him. 

Then I remembered. 

It happened again, then I realized that the sound wasn’t coming from inside my house but from someone in, or maybe passing by, my neighbour’s house. 

I sat down and stared hard at my father’s picture, remembering the contours of his face, the various expressions he used to make; and I wanted to cry, it felt like a moment deserving of tears, but guess what? My eyes were empty. My heart felt dried up, my system just felt like it had shut down in that moment, as though my eyes were the only part of my body still working. I kept looking at my father’s picture and only the knowledge of the fact that his room was empty prevented me from actually going to check because truly, I still struggle with accepting that he’s gone. 

I wanted to scream, I wanted to shout, I wanted to roll on the floor, to do something, anything really, to give expression to the intense pain that had gripped my heart but I couldn’t. I sat down, paralyzed, not by any physical condition, but by the very pain I wanted to give an outlet to. I stayed there and stared at my father, knowing that his eyes would never look at me, even unseeing, again. 

I’m writing this and you’d expect that I’m bawling my heart out but guess what? Na the way I dey na im I still dey, unable to let out the tears that my heart sorely wants to let out. 

Then this afternoon, I was eating and in my head, I heard myself chewing like my father…. I stopped, acknowledged that fact then went on eating, still hearing in my head, my father’s chewing sound, still desiring to cry yet unable to, just feels like my tear ducts have decided to go on strike or take a working leave.  

This got me thinking about grief. You know grief is such a crazy thing: one day it seems like you’re doing well and generally dealing with things, another day you’re smack down in the pits again. wondering how this is your reality, asking how you’re going to be able to cope with the gaping void in your heart and life. See, I’ve found that there’s no rule book about the form anyone’s grief should take and how anyone should handle the loss they are having to deal with and I believe to set a timeline for someone to have dealt with their loss and moved on or to tell a person how they should grieve is both insensitive and inhumane. I get that seeing someone grieving may make you uncomfortable, it may put you in a position that you’re uncomfortable with and believe me, I totally understand with you. However, I also do not believe that this makes it alright for you to be callous in your treatment to people in their moments of grief; if it makes you uncomfortable, please step aside: take a break from active contact with the person until you’re comfortable enough to not be mean to them and please, if you have nothing kind to say, just keep quiet, it is better to be silent and let us all assume that you care for the person than to speak and have your words be hurtful. Please be kind to anyone you see grieving, they are already going through a lot and absolutely do not need you increasing their sorrow. 

Another thing that I have learned is that no two persons experience loss and grieve the same. Two people may have lost someone they love, the same person, but the both of them will not experience the loss the same way and will definitely not grieve the same way. This has brought me to the conclusion that there really is no barometer to gauge whose loss is more profound and whose pain is more acute, no one person’s pain at a loss is invalidated by the fact that they didn’t have the same type of relationship with the dead person as someone else, everyone feels the loss and grieves with on basis of their relationship and interaction with the person, and each person would grieve differently, depending on their personalities. Look at Mary and Martha, the sisters of Lazarus, for instance: Martha had always been one to keep busy and when she heard that Jesus had come, she went to meet Him because she didn’t need to sit in one place to grieve, while Mary who had always been one to keep to one place, stayed back at home as she grieved. Did that mean that Martha who went out didn’t grieve? Of course she did, look at her conversation with Jesus in John 11 especially verses 21 and 22 and you will see that she actually mourned.  Did the fact that Mary stayed at home mean that she didn’t mourn her brother? Still, no! She grieved as she knew how to. I believe that, unless someone is actually sinning against God, please don’t come to shove your ideas on how you think they should grieve down their throats, respect their pain and let them mourn. 

So, if you see me screaming my head out, when I finally thaw, please don’t stop me. Scream with me, or hold me so I don’t fall, or just let me be, but please don’t tell me to stop screaming! Na me know as e dey do me. 

To everyone who, like me, mourns a loss, I pray that there is comfort for your heart and that the Lord will give you the strength to carry on, I am praying for you each day as I pray for myself and I know that God will help us. Don’t feel bad that you needed to have a good cry and you cried, it’s all a part of the process of healing, cry if you need to, scream, rant, let it out and trust God to help you. 

May the Lord be our peace. 

TUNES AND THOUGHTS: our song recommendation for this week is ‘Comforter’ by Cece Winans. This song is my prayer to you who grieves, that the Holy Spirit will come and comfort your heart and that He will give you “peace that passes all understanding”, like the song says. May your heart be blessed, and your pains be soothed. 

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/53hUq7zmNbLvodvkRnnnaX?si=GNmoES4zRRihYTLW_MYIgA 

YouTube music: https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=me4jroZslLk&si=Wd5-T_BqTXnLY_xP 

Well, that is that about that as far as that is concerned, see you next week. 

Love, 

Achenyo Favour Salifu, Esq. 

(I’m not done milking it😉)

PS. I see your comments, I am so sorry, my phone doesn’t allow me reply to comments, I’m still looking for a way around it and I will reply to your comments once I do, thank you❤️.