ONE MONTH LATER….

Hi. 

I woke up at exactly 5:29am this morning. I lay staring at my phone until the clock turned 5:30am. But before it did, I remembered that exactly one month ago, I woke up at about the same time and just began to pray. At the time while I was praying, in tongues, I had my father in mind and was praying for God to heal him. I prayed, unknowingly of course, the entire time my father made his transition from here to heaven and kept praying even after He had gone. Later, weeks later, I would realize that Scripture was being fulfilled in that very moment of my life: Romans 8:26 and 27 says and I quote “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.” (ESV) You see in that moment, it was not my father that needed prayers, I was the one in need of strength to deal with what was to become my new reality and because the Holy Spirit knew that I would not even have prayed the prayer that I needed to pray if He had left me to my devices, He intervened on my behalf. 

And so I prayed till sometime just before 6 am and I stopped. About 2 or 3 hours later, I would find out that I had lost my father….

When I tell you I ran mad, believe me no be lie. I wanted to tear out my hair, scratch out my skin, injure myself… just expire because what do you mean that Daddy wey I leave around ‘to 12’ wey I believe say dey improve don die? Die as how???? 

And today, as I watched the clock turn 5:30am, I took a screenshot of the time and said to myself “so for an entire month, Daddy don die? Like I can no longer say ‘By this time last month, Daddy been still dey alive’?” For the last 31 days, I’ve been living my worst nightmare; from the time I was old enough to understand what phobias were, my greatest fear has been losing my parents and to have had to deal with that reality for one whole month! Just know say na by the grace of God you never see picture of me mad and eating from refuse dumps because na small e been remain. 

I was rudderless! 

I hadn’t thought that I was going to have to start learning to navigate life without my father so soon, I mean it is soon, and having to now do that has been such a nightmare. Since I’ve been back from law school, except for like 2 weeks that I went to Jos in December, I’ve been home. And now being in this same house that we’ve lived in all my life and not seeing my dad, cooking food and excluding Daddy’s mouth from inside, praying and not praying for Daddy’s healing, finishing devotions and not greeting Daddy first then Mummy, still stopping when I pass by his room because my subconscious is used to checking on him every time I pass by, seeing Daddy’s chair that he’ll never sit on again, looking at the medications that he had been taking for over 25 years, medications that I had sat down in February to calculate how long they’d last before we’d need to buy new ones not knowing that Daddy won’t even be around to finish them, and knowing that he would no longer take them and not because he is well here but because he is now in Heaven, looking at my future and realizing that my father will not ever see the fruition of a lot of plans that I have, some of which I’d even told him about, realizing that I will never actually see him and touch him again, never tease him or give him the ‘little’ cheers after each meal, never again tell him how finely he is fighting to be here and how strong a man he is because of everything he’d had to deal with and still he stayed fighting…. Having to deal with this every single day has been undoubtedly my life’s greatest tragedy so far; and then the thought that this is the rest of my life, that he’s true true never coming back oo! Na im be dis, my father don true true go oo!!! That’s the worst part!  Because this is not a ‘break in transmission, to be continued’ kind of a thing, no. It’s final, it’s how it will remain until I leave this world and meet him in Heaven, there’s no going back from this 💔. 

And then to have this happen 9 days to my birthday… felt like a cruel joke played on me. I was already -as usual- counting down to my 26th birthday when this happened and omo everywhere just sour! I can’t remember the last time I felt as unprepared, un-enthusiastic, unconcerned and really clueless entering into a new year! I couldn’t even get myself to sit down and ask God, and myself, what the new year was going to look like and frankly, I didn’t even care at that point. God had to do a swift intervention on that matter because me I had lost all motivation. I’m not saying I’m all thay there yet, right now I’m just holding on to the word He has given me and trusting Him to show me the manifesto of how we get there. 

And then one day, three days after my birthday, Paul said something that the devil tried to use to play with my head. You know, whatever else you say about the devil, you can admit that he is a smart being and e no dey ever lose-guard on chance to prey. So I was reading Philippians 2 that day and something Paul said slapped my face, and not in a good way for the first few seconds, he said “for he has been longing for you all and has been distressed because you heard that he was ill. Indeed he was ill, near to death. But God had mercy on him, and not only on him but on me also, lest I should have sorrow upon sorrow.” (Philippians 2:26-27 ESV) Of course when I read it, the first thing that came to my mind was “na me now God no gree have mercy on wey Him carry my Papa go?” (Believe me, devil no dey fear ooo!) Immediately that thought came to my mind, the Lord intervened and dropped the message in my heart that He intended to pass; He said, and I quote it how He dropped it in my heart: “sometimes God, in His mercy, heals; sometimes, still in His mercy, He takes the sick to be with Him, granting them rest eternal.” Hearing this from God gave me peace because He reminded me of how much my father had had to deal with because of ill health, how much he had suffered already and then reminded again of where I know my father is, with God in Heaven, and I remembered that Heaven is of course far better than Earth’ss greatest gifts and treasures and I knew that it would not be my father’s choice to leave the splendor of Heaven for this world. Of course, in the past weeks I’ve tried to rationalize it by saying that I hadn’t been praying that day in the hospital for my father to return to me sick, I was praying for God to return him in perfect health so really it wouldn’t have been such a bad thing after all. But even saying that, I know that nothing would ever compare to the bliss of Heaven that my father now enjoys, na just me wey no get am for this world again dey miss am. 

One thing I think no one talks about is the guilt that comes with losing someone you love. In the last month, I’ve run through my father’s last week on earth, from Sunday to Saturday, and I’ve asked myself what signs I missed, what I should have been more perceptive to that would have cued me in to the fact that my father was about to have a third stroke, I’ve blamed myself for not paying enough attention, I’ve even blamed myself for being tired and sleeping at night, especially that Friday night. Somehow some part of me is of the opinion that maybe if I had done things differently, he would still be here, meanwhile the rest of me knows that nothing would have actually stayed the will of God from coming to pass in the matter to the effect that at 5:30am, 15th March, 2025, my father would leave this world and enter into his reward. In fact I was telling God just this evening that while my head knows this, my heart is slow to catch up and the thing is, na my heart dey hurt, no be the head wey don catch up!

And then having to see my father put under the ground! Na just “Heii!” And “Jesus!” I been dey shout the entire time. That was hands down the most harrowing experience of my life!! You think you don gather mind finish and you can handle it but when you actually see it happening live…. I would not wish it on anyone abeg. 

I’m sorry it seems like such a long rambling post, I’ve so much to let out and my physical journal just wasn’t allowing me express myself, in fact I didn’t have words until I started typing this gist so bear with me. 

But I will tell you this much: God has been faithful and He still remains faithful even during this season. He has held my hands and has been walking with me as I try to navigate the angst, anger, bitterness, guilt and immensely intense sorrow that comes with losing my father; really if not for God, I for don kpai me sef. But He’s been keeping me, all of us in my family, and I trust that He will still. 

TUNES AND THOUGHTS: the hymn “I’ve found a friend in Jesus” (SSS104) has been in my heart the last month. It’s one of my father’s favourite hymns, a reminder that Jesus is that friend that stays in every season and in whose friendship you can be sure you’ll be led safely through life here on earth and delivered surely to Heaven. If you need a reminder, I hop this song reminds you of that truth and draws you into deeper friendship with Jesus. 

Please, whenever we come to mind, say a prayer for those of us who are bereaved, that God will heal our hearts and help us, thank you. 

I still don’t know when I’ll be back here, let’s just see how it goes, so see you when next I’m here. 

Love,

Achenyo.